I’m not sure why it’s taken me so long to get around to commenting on this; perhaps because it’s just too good, too weird, to be true. Over the past six or eight months, I’ve received three voicemail messages at work from the same person, calling from Naples, Florida. They’ve all been received after hours, and awaited me as I listened to my messages first thing in the morning. One message came about eight months ago, and then, two or three months later, I received two in quick succession, the second a follow-up to the first, which was so long it cut off the caller and forced her to call back to finish the message. I don’t know why I was called, though the caller does refer to me by name, which I give in my outgoing message.

These are the weirdest phone messages I’ve ever received in my life. This includes the garbled message from some girl in college saying “Brian, I love you!” at a time when my roommate, with whom I shared the phone, was also named Brian. This also includes the daily flow of calls I get from disgruntled movie-goers who don’t seem to know how to read, as well as the strange series of calls from a certain Hollywood director who calls me every time he’s in town so we can go out for drinks. These messages are certifiably, conspiracy-theory, over-the-top wacko.

They must be heard to be believed, so I will provide both an audio file and a transcript. Through a combination of Skype (to call my voicemail from my computer) and Audio Hijack (to record Skype’s output to mp3), I’ve recorded the messages for your listening pleasure.

[Please note: these messages, although overwhelmingly strange, also contain some offensive content. I was offended the first time I listened to the first message, though now the sensation is more of awe than of shock, if you will. If you’re visiting this page from somewhere else, just know that I don’t in any way condone the nastiness the caller describes, however incoherently, in her messages. Thanks.]

And so, a post in three parts, ladies and gentlemen: I give you Karen Freeman of Naples, Florida. Without further ado, message number one:

Please Check and Verify
(674 kb mp3, 1:54)

Brian, Karen Freeman, Naples, Florida. Please check and verify this information: AIDS, 1970 New York City. Plague. Scares TV producers out of the city, commercials and advertisers. Satellite offices open. Now, they say, “Gays act like monkeys out of Africa, playing in their feces and excrement. We wanna get away from these kids, they got a plague.” That’s how TV presents the epidemic to us. Now, “The Scarlet Letter,” adulterous purple mark, it’s been around since colonial times. In the Bible, they called it “leprosy” in Exodus. What I’m upset about is the cryptic messages given by world news, and presently, they’re advocating a gay lifestyle. I live in Naples, Florida since 9/11, we’re having actors and actresses relocate. We’ve got children, yellow and green with hepatitis and gray with AIDS. I’m concerned about our water system as well as yours. The Pentagon came to its demise for a 9/11. They call it getting caught in the quagmire when different governmental agencies don’t wanna overlap. I’m suggesting people talk about it, circulate this information, check and verify. Matter of fact, we’ve got actors and actresses down here from the Richard Rodgers production of “How to Succeed in Business.” On that playbill, from Playbill Online, Richard Rodgers Theater “How to Succeed in Business” 1995 in the Twin Towers and group of Mayans, you’ll notice the cast of actresses are world day presenters [beep beep] – I call them terrorists. All I can do is suggest, don’t get caught in the quagmire when you’re looking for answers from your Federal Communications. How ’bout this, Security and Exchange Commission, hosted by a guy named–

So, anyone care to check and verify?